I Facebook troll on a daily basis. I control my news feed to a few select friends and some popular feeds that are inspiring and positive. Sometimes I get these reposts that are supposed to be inspiring by informing those who are less evolved not to have emotions or experiences that make us human. There are several: fear, regret, sad, you can fill in the blank. My question is that if someone who wants to inspire asks me not to feel something, is it this certain person of inspiration that is having issue with this emotion and therefore making me more “evolved” because I have radically accepted these negative emotions in my life?

I am not sure where I heard this quite opposite point of view about regret. Maybe it was in “The Grandmaster.” Someone said if you have no regrets in your life, you have lived a boring life. So, I have taken risks and some have turned into tradegy. Yes, regrets. Risks. Not a boring life. A lonely life.

I took a motorcycle trip out to Colorado once. Nowadays, I drive a car out there and back.
Regret, yes, I didn’t know that a one cylinder air cooled Kawasaki 250 wasn’t really meant for a cross country trip. I broke down, the motorcycle was first in the breakdown shoulder somewhere 2 hours outside of Colorado Springs, Pikes Peak.

An old Ford pickup stopped to pick me up and they took me out of the breakdown lane. They also picked up my bike and loaded it in the bed alongside me.

They worked for the railroad. They laid down track. Just what the Chinese used to do over 100 years ago. They lived in the boxcar. They pushed the boxcar down the track as they worked. The images are long forgotten on how this scene played out for me. They were on drugs, LSD, I think. As least that is what one told me.

I ran out to Colorado to recapture what I felt when I was little and our family went out there on a vacation. Something about the air allowed me to be free of what was going on growing up.

Those guys did horrible things to me. Yes, lots of regret.
Now, I am learning bagua. The instructor wants to teach me self defense but in a way where it is effective. I know that learning bagua is one thing and learning self defense is another. Will I regret this? Will I be able to move through this and get what I need to feel safe?

I told Sari that this bagua will probably tap into this motorcycle trip, Colorado. She said that learning self defense is empowering. How is that the mind can reimagine a horrid experience into an experience that can be dealt with? Is learning Self Defense or bagua just a venue to deal with this pain sideways and not straight on?

I have done this EMDR with great results. But I have only touched on these issues of sexual assault. Regrets are what comes from the decisions that I have made. The bagua teacher says that these asocial people put people like me in a corner and do things to us that we have no knowledge to get out of.

He says he wants to teach women like me how to defend ourselves effectively. How will this instruction tap into motorcycle trip, Colorado. Will I regret this? Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life? Will I return to my passions? My career? Will I always have to self defend myself at least only in my mind if I do not do this?

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These last three weeks I have been studying the internal style Kung Fu called baguazhang. As I learn this art of self defense, I am also learning how much I could hurt another person. The teacher shows me the martial aspects of this form and I feel that I can defend myself. He also explains that the best way to defend myself is to walk away, or to avoid. But he also says that there are people who are asocial. There is no walking away, no negotiating. They don’t understand how their actions affect others. Jaymes and Jill are like that. They have done more harm without remorse, conscious.
James pinched my ribs while I was working. He is just a pervert.
Jill did 18 months of abuse. Indescribable.
What do I do with all this.
I do the throwing out the trash. I keep my head held high and walk through the factory. I talk to my coworkers and tell them what happened. I warn them to stay away from Jaymes. That is part of my self defense. I cannot physically hurt another person but I can make other people aware of his actions. Most people have supported me verbally by telling me how much a creep they think he is. I am happy at work now. People like Jaymes hope people around them are as unhappy as they are but they don’t show this. They have adapted to lure innocent victims into their crazy world of abuse. They look normal. I have processed much of Jaymes’ sexual harassment as I can without linking this to other abuses.
I don’t want to hold on to this any longer. I cannot move on while being weighted down with all this negativity. Sari was so right.

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I combined a Wandaism with a Sarism. This Sarism is called “Throwing Out the Trash.” So everyday I write what angers me and then rip it up and throw it it the trash can. I do this at work working on a process and when the line stops, I pull out of my shirt pocket these strips of paper (recycled), write whatever is causing this anger, then throw it away. According to the Wandaism, I will need to do this 20 times in order to make or see a change. And I have to remind myself that this change is a change within me, not others.

About a month ago, a man sexually harassed me at work. Now I am angry all the time. This anger has been dormant for so long. I had felt good at this job and now I am trying to recapture that sense of safety in this environment. I had realized these past weeks that I am always trying to control my environment, mainly at work and at home.
I mainly feel safe at home when I am alone. I am realizing all the trauma that has happened in this house. The secrets, the non communications, the history of being in a survivor mode. All of us.
At work, this nimrod has made me look at my sense of safety. He has made me look at and feel my anger. This low class bully has made me look at taking action to make sure this never happens again. So much work to keep my life from going out of control. I am not looking for perfection in my environment or my sense of safety, I am looking for good. For now.
I talked to this Kung fu instructor tonight about learning Ba Gua. I had asked him about learning self defense so I can take care of my sense of safety. He said it would be no problem for him to teach me. I know that this would help my external sense of safety. Now, for what I think of my safety internally, not sure where this will lead. Don’t really care, for now.

In order to change something that you have been doing all your life, you must practice it at least 20 times in order to change. For example, if I want to let go of anger, I must practice a mode of letting go of anger at least 20 times. So, this week I will write down on a piece of paper what is making me angry and then throw this piece of paper away. Knowing that there will be always trash, thus anger, throwing out the trash at least on a daily basis will allow me to deal with the underlying anger plus managing my anger better.

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Jana Wagner

Animal Communication and Healing @ Ottoby Works