I Facebook troll on a daily basis. I control my news feed to a few select friends and some popular feeds that are inspiring and positive. Sometimes I get these reposts that are supposed to be inspiring by informing those who are less evolved not to have emotions or experiences that make us human. There are several: fear, regret, sad, you can fill in the blank. My question is that if someone who wants to inspire asks me not to feel something, is it this certain person of inspiration that is having issue with this emotion and therefore making me more “evolved” because I have radically accepted these negative emotions in my life?
I am not sure where I heard this quite opposite point of view about regret. Maybe it was in “The Grandmaster.” Someone said if you have no regrets in your life, you have lived a boring life. So, I have taken risks and some have turned into tradegy. Yes, regrets. Risks. Not a boring life. A lonely life.
I took a motorcycle trip out to Colorado once. Nowadays, I drive a car out there and back.
Regret, yes, I didn’t know that a one cylinder air cooled Kawasaki 250 wasn’t really meant for a cross country trip. I broke down, the motorcycle was first in the breakdown shoulder somewhere 2 hours outside of Colorado Springs, Pikes Peak.
An old Ford pickup stopped to pick me up and they took me out of the breakdown lane. They also picked up my bike and loaded it in the bed alongside me.
They worked for the railroad. They laid down track. Just what the Chinese used to do over 100 years ago. They lived in the boxcar. They pushed the boxcar down the track as they worked. The images are long forgotten on how this scene played out for me. They were on drugs, LSD, I think. As least that is what one told me.
I ran out to Colorado to recapture what I felt when I was little and our family went out there on a vacation. Something about the air allowed me to be free of what was going on growing up.
Those guys did horrible things to me. Yes, lots of regret.
Now, I am learning bagua. The instructor wants to teach me self defense but in a way where it is effective. I know that learning bagua is one thing and learning self defense is another. Will I regret this? Will I be able to move through this and get what I need to feel safe?
I told Sari that this bagua will probably tap into this motorcycle trip, Colorado. She said that learning self defense is empowering. How is that the mind can reimagine a horrid experience into an experience that can be dealt with? Is learning Self Defense or bagua just a venue to deal with this pain sideways and not straight on?
I have done this EMDR with great results. But I have only touched on these issues of sexual assault. Regrets are what comes from the decisions that I have made. The bagua teacher says that these asocial people put people like me in a corner and do things to us that we have no knowledge to get out of.
He says he wants to teach women like me how to defend ourselves effectively. How will this instruction tap into motorcycle trip, Colorado. Will I regret this? Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life? Will I return to my passions? My career? Will I always have to self defend myself at least only in my mind if I do not do this?